Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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