would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
How many fucks given?
0.12846
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
