I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
