Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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