I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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