I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
