Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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