dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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