My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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