I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
