my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
