I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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