Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
