She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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