I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
