Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
