Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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