I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
fuck your aforementioned shoe
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
