I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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