She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
