phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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