Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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