I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
