Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Enjoy the penises
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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