I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
