I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
