Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
