when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Semen is not good for contacts.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
