Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
