If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
