hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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