I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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