People with herpes should wear stickers.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
