420 ftw
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
