I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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