Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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