I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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