i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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