Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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