ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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