My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
