woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
