if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
