Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
