I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I have aggressive nipples.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
