i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My breasts were aching with rage.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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