A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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