It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
We smell like vodka and hangover
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