the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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