you guys were way drunker than both of me
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
