This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
