this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i dont even know how to be here
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
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