she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
