My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
