You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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