Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
